If you’ve been with me for any length of time, you know
how I feel about CNN. It’s the
absolute worst thing to happen to our modern culture. Why is that,
you ask? Well,
because it keeps you up-to-the-minute with every minute detail
of any story it deigns
to cover. So much detail in fact that it’s turned us all
into news junkies who are
slowly and surely becoming numb to the real awfulness of the way
the world can be
sometimes. And in so doing, CNN has become a major contributor
to the steady
increase in this awfulness. CNN makes the bad guys try a little
harder by adding a
few more sticks of C-4 to their belly packs. CNN causes the debutantes
to dress a
little sexier every time they’re out on a photo-op. CNN
causes the politicians to turn
themselves into even bigger assholes. And, I’m convinced
that CNN encourages the
serial killers to add a few more kills, just to add intrigue to
the story.
On the other side of the coin, because we are all news junkies
now, the news itself
has to be more and more extreme if we’re gonna stay tuned.
And staying tuned is
what it’s all about. A perfect case in point is Hurricane
Isabel. Yeah, this was a badass storm when it was out on the ocean.
It was one awful looking thing. Certainly all of us up here in
the Centre of The Universe were properly conditioned to expect
the absolute worst. And yeah, it opened up a real can of whup-ass
on the coastal regions of Carolina and Southern Chesapeake Bay.
But by the time it got here, in spite of all the fearful consequences
we were being told over and over again to expect, it was nothing
more than a blustery day in mid September, as we all hunkered
down and waited for something bad to happen. Yeah…well I
heard there was a tree down on the street next to the street where
I used to live. We had a ten second power outage and lake was
trying hard to sound like the ocean for a few hours there. But
frankly, that’s about it. But if I were to go downstairs
and turn on CNN right now at 12:00 AM, what would I see. Some
old goddam rickety beach house on stilts tumbling into the tidal
surge. Say, wasn’t that the same house that fell over when
Hurricane Andrew hit shore in Brownsville Texas. You know…it
could just be.
MOVIES AND VIDEOS
MATCHSTICK MEN (TWO SPUDS)
This flick is basically an acting clinic put on by Nicholas Cage,
which establishes him
once and for all at the very top of the character actor/movie
star heap along with
Dustin Hoffman, Samuel L. Jackson and Tim Robbins.
Matchstick Men is a movie about a can, so even telling you a little
bit about the plot
would spoil it for you. Nick and Sam Rockwell play a couple of
con men. Nick is a
nervous wreck. He shouldn’t be doing this for a living.
That’s about it. This film was
directed by Ridley Scott, who has the good sense not to overbake
this one like he did
with Hannibal, and just stand back and let hyper-energetic Nick
go to town. I’ve
always been a big fan of Nick, ever since I saw him in Raising
Arizona way back in the day. He was also absolutely brilliant
in both Moonstruck and Leaving Las Vegas. In fact the only dumbass
movie he’s ever been in was Face Off. Matchstick Men is
really truly worth a boo. The only thing that bothered me about
it was the sound
track, which consisted mainly of a lot of old Frank Sinatra songs.
Enough with Old
Blue Eyes already!
BULLETPROOF MONK (NO SPUD 4U)
Here’s the deal. Somebody said to themselves one day, “Man,
that Chow Yun Fat
was really good in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. We should get
him into another
film like that and we’ll make millions.” So they went
and found this obscure comic
book about a Tibetan Monk who guards this scroll so some evil
Nazi won’t get hold
of it and give himself the power to rule the world. Unfortunately
whoever got this
bright idea was some sort of asshole, who forgot a few fundamental
rules. Like turn
the comic book story into a half decent screenplay, which didn’t
happen. Spend more
than $1.98 on the effects, which also didn’t happen. Find
a director who can keep all
the actors from going over the top and blowing their bit parts,
on account of the bad
screenplay, and that didn’t happen either. Add to that a
lot of other stuff, including
the fact that Mr Yun Fat can’t deliver a line in English
to save his ass and you have a
movie so bad its can’t even lay claim to being an unintentional
comedy. ‘Nuff said.
Avoid like a plague from East.
ANGER MANAGEMENT (TWO SPUDS)
This is a fairly goofy but likeable comedy starring Big Jack Nicholson,
fresh from
boring the hell out of me and About Schmidt and Adam Sandler who’s
had a pretty
good run since graduating from Saturday Night Live. I’ve
only not seen The Waterboy
Punch–Drunk Love and most of his movies are pretty cool.
In Anger Management, Adam plays a laid back New York guy who (and
you do have
to suspend a whack of disbelief), ends up in a mess of trouble
over a temper which
he doesn’t really seem to have. Anyway, he ends up with
Jack Nicholson who plays
this shrink who is determined to cure Adam of this anger, and
needless to say,
pisses him off severely in the process. Adam and Jack are a pretty
natural fit in this
movie. Jack gets to be the crazy guy while Adam plays it straight.
And once you get
by the seeming lack of logic that gets Adam and Jack thrown together,
it turns in to
be a funny half-assed buddy pic/romantic comedy.
NEW SHOWS ON THE TUBE
JAKE 2.0 (TWO SPUDS)
THE NUTSHELL: Jake is your friendly neighbourhood nerd who gets
in a chemical
accident and has his system flooded with nannites which give him
superpowers
which the CIA immediately puts to work to save the free world
from baddies of all
kinds. Not as cornball as it actually sounds, this is pretty solid
TV junk food that’s
kind of a goofy younger brother to Alias. FEARLESS FORECAST: This
show is a lot of fun. It’s perfectly placed for the kids
of West Wing fans to watch in the rumpus room. But I’ve
seen too many of these shows come and go to really believe that,
in spite of the fact that it’s decent entertainment, it
probably won’t last the season. Sad.
THE BROTHERHOOD OF POLAND NEW HAMPSHIRE (ONE SPUD)
THE NUTSHELL: Three overweight brothers, Randy Quaid, JC Lynch
and Chris Penn
are the police chief, mayor and unemployed schlub in the town
of Poland New
Hampshire. They have wives. They have kids. They have lives. They
have secret lives. They have each other. At the end of the day
this is just another chatty David E Kelly diversion from The Practice.
Compared to this stuff, Everwood is pure Shakespeare. FEARLESS
FORECAST: It’s not too serious and not too funny. I hope
Mr Kelly has steered it either direction because now it’s
not much of anything and doesn’t really stand much of a
chance of surviving the winter, despite his clout.
NAVY SCIS (TWO SPUDS)
THE NUTSHELL: Mark Harmon heads up this navel CSI team which seems
to have
power over every other law enforcement agency in the land. In
the opening episode,
they are investigating a mysterious death on Air Force One. This
show sort of
premiered as a JAG episode last season and I liked it then as
I do now. FEARLESS
FORECAST: Donald Bellasario created this show and if there’s
one thing his shows
have, it’s legs. This show will take over where JAG leaves
off and will run a good five
years at the top of the heap. Why? Cause everybody loves a good
mystery tale well
told, including me. This has Big Kahuna potential written all
over it.
TWO AND A HALF MEN (ONE SPUD)
Charlie Sheen is sitcom cliché #1--womanizing, rich jingle
writer with a fabulous
beach house and fresh babes to bang every night. John Cryer is
sitcom cliché #2 –
the anal retentive brother whose wife can’t take any more
of his nonsense. Holland
Taylor is sitcom cliché #4, domineering mother who screwed
up both brothers in
different ways and finally Angus T Jones (Cryer’s kid) is
the breath of fresh air that
will keep this show on the air way past the cliched early grave
it deserves. FEARLESS FORECAST: Angus T Jones will get another
sitcom next season. Not so sure about the rest.
THE HANDLER (ONE SPUD)
THE NUTSHELL: Joe Pantiliano is an FBI undercover supervisor.
He runs a bunch of
undercover agents and is responsible for their care and feeding.
He wears this
porkpie hat, practices all kinds of tough love and is basically
as irritating as the
show itself is deadly dull. The Handler was created and written
by Chris Haddock
who created and wrote the now famous da Vinci’s Inquest.
When I told the wife that
fact she just nodded and said, ‘Makes sense. This show feels
way too Canadian.”
FEARLESS FORECAST: I kept nodding off and I was trying to watch
it. My feeling is
that millions of Americans will be luckier and fall into a deep
restful sleep.
Unfortunately narcotic value is not something which prime time
shows are measured
by. One season. If that.
MISS MATCH (TWO SPUDS)
THE NUTSHELL: Alicia Silverstone, who is genuinely bab-o-licious,
stars as a divorce lawyer who works for her Dad, a crusty and
emotionally aloof Ryan O’Neal, and is a hopeless romantic.
She starts trying to put people together, maybe out of some deep
rooted sense of guilt for the people she’s ripping apart.
Anyway, this show kind of bounces along with Alicia in a lot of
spectacular clothing, carrying an inspid concept on her beautifully
shaped shoulders. FEARLESS FORECAST: This is pure fluff. I love
it. I hope it runs for a couple of years. But I don’t think
it has the legs to make it past 6 episodes.
LAS VEGAS (NO SPUD 4U, JIMMY)
THE NUTSHELL: James Caan and a bunch of soap opera refugees star
in this visually dazzling but essentially vapid drama about Las
Vegas. Jimmy is in charge of security for a big casino and is
supposed to be some heavy hittin’ ex-CIA guy or something.
Mostly he’s just a greaseball in a $3000 Hugo Boss suit.
FEARLESS FORECAST: This show is smarmy and doesn’t really
have much of a point to it. Even the most desperate among us will
have trouble with the lack of story no matter how brightly this
shit is shined. One season. Anything less would piss off Jimmy
and we can’t have that.
COUPLING (NO SPUD 4U)
THE NUTSHELL: No nutshell. This show isn’t really about
anything. I wish it a bullet
to the brain for insulting my intelligence over and over and over
again. And that was
just in the first 10 minutes. I could go on and rip this show
and new a-hole. But it
already stars at least three--it’s not worth the effort.
FEARLESS FORECAST: This will probably be a monster hit.
THREAT MATRIX (TWO SPUDS)
THE NUTSHELL: I saved the best for last. Last year, The Agency
got the Big Kahuna and was cancelled. Threat Matrix carries on
right where The Agency left off. There are two real differences.
Threat Matrix is much more strongly focused on plot while The
Agency focused on characters. Threat Matrix is about homeland
security, which kind of makes The Agency’s CIA look a bit
crusty and old school. Gizmos are king in Threat Matrix. These
people are wired and the plots are very exciting because they’re
hypothetical and could go either way. Extremely good filmmaking,
with a docudrama feel in parts that makes it all the more scary.
FEARLESS FORECAST: Who knows? Americans should eat this up. But
then again maybe it’s way too real for them at the end of
the day. I hope it goes for a couple of seasons if not more. I
love the genre.
Well that’s all she wrote for this week/fortnight. Se you
next week/fortnight.
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