CP Chronicle 193

ONLY ONE LOUSY MOVIE TO REVIEW THIS WEEK. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY LIFE? MUST BE THAT DAMN NBA FEVER.

The Big Valley, in which Spud Central is nestled, is slowly but surely turning green now that the daily temps are consistently in the double digits and the rain comes with some regularity.

With summer just around the corner, the new Big Fear shifts from SARS (the black plague of the Big Smoke) to the insidious the West Nile Virus. This is a mosquito transmitted disease that people who are stupid enough to be out where mosquitoes are really deserve to get. For most of the two dozen or so idiots who contract this virus, its just a galloping case of the flu. This, I have discovered, is a great way to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself and clean out your system at the same time. Sleep all day, watch west coast basketball and old movies all night. What's the problem? Sure, you won't be plowing through any pizzas or tacos. But sometimes that's a good thing. Just lay back and enjoy it already.

I'm not quite sure, but this probably going to be one of those review challenged chronicles. We're trying to get out to see theX-Men sequel but I don't know if we can manage it this week. So this might just be a chance to rave on a bit about the sad state of one of my favourite counties--TeeVeeLand..

The West Wing finished up early tonight and as I was flipping to one of the sports stations to make sure the Lakers were getting creamed by the Spurs, I stopped for a second too long at some asinine reality show. This is one of those overly-made-up-slutty-looking-white-girls
competing-for-the-heart-of-some-asshole-and-ending-up-with-a David-Letterman-Show-walk-on shows. I'm not even sure what it is called. But for some reason, mostly to get up my nose, I suspect, The Wife insisted that we dwell on it for a moment. This appeared to the part of the show when the asshole has to reject one of the overly-made-up-slutty-looking-white-girls, reducing his harem from to 3 from 2. I have to tell you this is the closest thing to projectile vomit-inducing TV that I have ever experienced. This is TV's version of the West Nile Virus for sure. First and foremost, absolutely nothing happens for like five minutes. Just these idiots looking at each other. The only sound you can hear is the panting of their press agents off-stage. Second, these people have all the personality of a rug burn scab. And finally, when I realize I can physically stand no more of this low rent crap, an involuntary and mournful cry goes out from Spud Central, silencing all the neighbourhood dogs as it echoes and reverberates through the night. It is a cry of pity for each and every one of the poor brain dead schlubs out there who have chosen this tripe over The West Wing. Get a goddamn life and stop living through reality shows! They're just like pro wrestling. They are completely scripted from start to finish, just like everything on network TV. They are totally manipulative and they add nothing to the sum total of your pathetic existence except lonely desperate moments of pseudo-voyeurism that's about as good for your soul as two packs of cigarettes a day are for your lungs. Reality shows like this are truly the Biggest of The Big Lies so far.

OPEN YOUR EYES (ONE SPUD) (DVD)

This is the 1997 movie that the prettyboy Tom Cruise/Cameron Crowe movie Vanilla Sky was stolen from. I wasn't crazy about Vanilla Sky and was equally uncrazy about this one, except for the fact that this movie had foreign intrigue. It also had major league cutie Penelope Cruz playing exactly the same role as she played in Vanilla Sky except for in Vanilla Sky, you can be she got about a gazillion more pesos. The star of Open Your Eyes is a guy named Eduardo Noriega and he's easily as pretty as Tom Cruise, in a Spanish preppy sort of way. And while his apartment is pretty groovy by Barcelona standards, it's nowhere near as groovy as Tom's was in Vanilla Sky. And, of course with Open Your Eyes being a Spanish film and not having all the Industrial Light & Magic post production boost, its ending is a little more (actually a lot more), mundane. Other than those differences both Open Your Eyes and Vanilla Sky are about equally vacuous, trite, overly complex and tedious to watch, with a slight edge going to Vanilla Sky, because I think Penelope Cruz gets cuter as she gets older.

A LETTER FROM CAM

My pal Cam Levack lives in Oakville and up till just recently has been a diehard fan of the Utah Jazz. He worships at the altar of Stockton and the Mailman (Carl Malone). Although they have never won a title, Cam has had much to cheer about. The Jazz are always tough. They're always strong. They always play like a real basketball team should and put on a good show. Unfortunately, for Stockton and Malone, the NBA crown has eluded them and with their demise as dynamic duo, the bloom sadly tumbled from the rose for Cam. Fortunately Cam is nobody's fool and has hitched his wagon to the same star as yours truly, namely the Sacramento Kings. Good choice, Cam. The Kings are as ready as they have ever been. They are a lot like the Jazz of a few years ago. The only difference is that they are a hell of a lot deeper in terms of bench strength than, well, anybody short of the NBA All Star Team.

Anyway, this is an email Cam sent to me today. It's sort of sad, but it does make the point that guys really need a team or two to root for. In Toronto, we'd like nothing more than to root for the home teams, but, our teams always seem to get banged up about halfway through the season and fall out of contention.

Jim "As I was watching the Kings demolish Dallas last night, it made the passing of the Utah Jazz (along with John Stockman's retirement) that much sadder. In the halcyon days of the Jazz, Malone, Stockton, Hornececk and the rest had the swagger. Great defense, pin-point passing, that ability to take other teams (except Chicago) out of their game. Sacramento has it all now, the outside shooter, the dominating power forward, the creative point guard, depth on the bench, team chemistry, the whole package - hey, they even play in a small market. The Jazz of the New Millennium - post bop, in Ken Burns' terms. Although I won't have the same emotional attachment to the events as they unfold, this year's NBA playoffs will be better than what we've seen. Competition is strong, especially in the West. The Bulls are long gone, and the Lakers are about to submerge (not enough depth to handle the injuries). The king is dead, long live the Kings."
-- Cam

P.S. As it turns out the Kings just lost their star forward Chris Webber to a knee injury, the Lakers came back and cleaned the Spurs in game 3 and Dallas is up two games to one on Sacramento. Looks like both series are going long. Don't you just love it?

Well that's all she wrote for this week. Stay warm.

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